Bored...

That's right.


It causes the very worst in behavior at the workplace. Runs rampant you see. What's a boy to do? Well, I'll tell you. This story starts as most good stories do. With a disclaimer... :)


DISCLAIMER!:

1. If you employ me, have employed me or are planning to employ me, everything you read here is absolutely and most strictly for the purposes of reader entertainment and are entirely fictional in nature.

1.1 The anecdotes and ridiculous rants recounted here in no way represent my work ethic nor do they necessarily represent my levels of discipline, general attitude toward work or even me as a person.

1.2 If you have been reviewing my performance and have found the results to be disappointing in any way, I can assure you that there are at least half a dozen completely legitimate reasons and justifications for my actions and level of output.

1.3 This post was in no way, written during regular work hours.

2. Every job I have ever worked for so far falls into the category of "transitional position." As such, I fully realize that I accepted these positions for employment. I ultimately have no one to blame for my boredom other than my immediate need for financial resources with which to support my life and the lives of those I love. Certainly NOT myself.




So, some say that boredom sets into the boring mind. To some extent I agree. I'd like to add to that by saying boredom sets also into the forgetful mind. I simply forget what I want with my life when I leave the workplace (unless its a practice night). Worky is far more detestable during rather than when I leave. All I can think about is something else. I busy myself with the tasks presented to me and I push through them. Just like when I start at the top of the driveway and shovel my way down, by the time I'm at the end of the drive, my shovel is so heavy and full that I can''t push any longer. I'll then start to play with icicles or begin building a snow fort or ponder the mystery of yellow snow. Distracted once again. Damn... Where was I?

No, this runs even deeper than simple A.D.D. Honestly? I'm too smart for this shit. Give "employee A" "job b" and ensure that it is such that he cannot improve efficiency by altering process. This, to me, adds up to micromanaged horse shit. Like in school, "Just copy from the text what we want and you get a good grade."

Why should I care? Just because I'm paid? Hrmm... most of the time, yes, but this can definitely overpower the incentive of regular income. Calculating cost averages. Creating return documents. Purchase orders. Emailing problems to others. Emailing solutions to others. Following up with reminder emails for both cases because they didn't bother the first, second, third or even fourth time you reminded them. Always having to follow the beurocratic chain of command decreed important and effective by all governing bodies of the corporate realm (kind of like the Military or the Catholic Church, No?). Freethinking is considered a waste of company time and money.

ITS FUCKING BORING, OKAY!?

And now the questions:

Does it pay? Unfortunately, yes.
What matters more? Getting the job done? or following process even to an end of pissing off clientele?
Why is it my responsibility to spend hours a day sending follow up emails reminding others to fix their own fucking screw ups?
Does retail offer progress to solving pollution?
Poverty?
How about consumption of energy?
Resources?


It is endless and it is nonsense. What I end up doing is some pretty retarded shit let me tell you. Things like designing and constructing dangerous office weapons. Ever hear of the "Oracle"? This one is stellar. Step 1. Take a roll of 2 inch packing tape and wrap a thick rubber band around so that the band stretches the diameter of the roll on both sides. Voilà! Step 2. Now draw a pencil or any long cylindrical object on the band closest to you as the front rests on the forward band just like a bow and arrow. Step 3. Carefully aim at any irritating co-worker and release with the fury of suppressed anger and boredom.

At times I have been known to shrink wrap my IT manager's entire set of office/desk tools i.e. phone (and receiver), keyboard, pencil can (individual pencils as well), even the USB powered mini refrigerator. Oh yeah, also all three cans of pop included in the fridge.

Answering interdepartmental telephone calls is amusing too.
*Ring ring* "Bin Laden's Bomb shop, How can I terrorize you?"
*Ring ring* "Your Mom's fantasy"
*Ring ring* "NO! GO AWAY!"

This list could really go on and on and on...

Similar is the signing of deliveries. Most couriers now have a computerized clipboard device where one signs their life away on an LCD screen. It started with names but the more I signed, the more I realized that they all know who I am and don't give a shit what the signature looks like. Eventually this lead to intentional scribbles that barely look like someone signed. Then those morphed into nothing but a wavy line. Wavy lines eventually gave way to more abstract name signatures like a series of periods or stars. The FedEx driver drew the line when I tried to quickly draw a landscape using a cross-hatching method. "its not that I give a shit, dude. Its just that I have way too many deliveries to afford standing here waiting for you to sign. Why do you do this anyway?" He questioned.
"I don't feel the need to explain my art to you, Stevie." I replied.

Mmm! How about the one where all post-it's in the manager's office are turned upside down? I liked that one.

*sigh*

So, last week I came up with a new one. This was intended to get me into false trouble. Open Text Edit on your Mac, type boss' name, copy and paste ten times, then copy and paste that entire block about twenty more times. The whole process takes about 30 seconds. Now turn up the volume and hit "Start Speaking" in the Edit menu and start working with something else away from your desk. If you're lucky, he'll storm down thinking you're just sitting there hitting a button over and over and the frustration ensues when he reaches your area to find you diligently working whilst pleasantly tolerating the constant computerized repetition of his name. *storms back upstairs* The name speaking went on for about twenty minutes.

I have been sick for three weeks. I have called in a least one of those weeks. I ran out of available sick days in February. They have been docking my check to compensate. Friends suggest it may be stress from work. Others think I don't know how to take care of myself. Needless to say, it is time to leave. The job search has begun and as painful as it is to job search, I think it more painful to try to stay here and continue to attempt reasonable communication with the manager and still even more painful to try to continue pretending that this job is good for me, important to me or stimulates me enough to appreciate it in any way.

*gives finger*

HH