Rejection Letter #2 - Plus bad news: Return to Start

Hi Hubris,

We really appreciate you coming out to meet us last week. For aspiring musicians, it's always good to meet like-minded people who share the same taste and goals. Having said that, we're a little weary of a few issues that we've talked about as a band. First, logistically it might be a little difficult to pull off the commuting every Saturday - especially if you'll be needing to work on Saturdays. Second, we know you can sing, but we're concerned about the lack of song-writing experience. We've had a few singers in the past who had a lot of trouble creating melodies and understanding song structures, and we're looking for a singer who can take control of a song, deconstruct it's parts, and turnaround a melody that is in tune with the song elements, tone, key(s), and dynamics.

I hope you can understand, as these aren't easy choices for us. We wish you luck with your musical endeavors, as you are one of the few people we've met who seems to have the drive and the passion for making music.

Thanks again for interest, and take care.

Sincerely,
RFM

This is issue #1. I'll get to the second wad of shit-stink in a minute. Okay. Band #2 on a very short list of local artists that have captured my interest is not onboard with what I have to offer. Fair enough. Their letter was particularly kind and encouraging. Also, discouraging if you still follow me here... When traveling out there by greater Toronto transit, all I could do was marvel at the stunning amount of time that it took me to get out there to meet them. 1:15 hours each way. Their time concern was certainly mine as well, however I was willing to give it a shot. I'm very accommodating about schedules when it comes to things of this personal importance. Yet they're right about the worky on weekend horseshit. I have pretty much the whole month of June Saturdays booked either out of town or making up the hours for going out of town.

I appreciate that they acknowledge my current level of skill and my passion to pursue this. I agree. Not because I'm hot shit - I'm not - because they see something in me that I just recently became aware of myself. I feel it. It is enormous and wants to escape. First it needs refining.

Wow. You hit the shit out of that ball! Go back home, Rookie.

I just started. By all reasonable accounts I have years to go. Still their concerns for song-writing experience, while more than understandable, still cut. I can't try if I have no music. I can only write. Hmmm. I do in fact have a song. The one from Rejection #1. Damn. I still feel bummed about that one. Mostly due to my belief that they are closer to the future with their music rather than the past. Perhaps, though I was rejected, I should finish that one. After all, they haven't found a singer yet as far as I can tell. I come to this rather than search anew or return to practice with the band I started because I learned tonight that our guitarist is walking. No reason given and done so via facebook. Very High School break up, no? So yeah, thats shit-stink #2. No prospects in sight and not even a fledgling group to jam with. Return to start and may as well lose a turn while we're at it. To learn these both in one night has been extremely disappointing. I'm taking it rather well. I feel stuff inside, but I'm more interested in what I might do by tomorrow night in order to change this course. I can write enough lyrics to map out that tune. In addition, meet with guy at work for another lesson in Music Theory. Other goals can wait.

The perfectionist in me urges me to wait until what I have to write sounds good enough for me. Fuck me that's been a boring chore. Like pondering the conversations of garden stones. Lets try writing anything and piecing the thoughts together at a later time instead. How about all things music during free time? Can I get away with that or even will myself to do it? I suppose if I can't even go all the way on something that I finally have a passion for, then why not choose something easier and mundane? Maybe I'm so used to being disinterested with everything over the last 15 years that I forgot how. It mixes with difficulties with discipline I have no doubt. I don't finish things for one reason or another. Like this post

Questions About Death - As Inspired by Natalia

Nat, you are one of my favorite reads. *bear hugs*

What do you think happens after you die?
I will be food for the small crawlers of the Earth. Some will morn my passing and others will rejoice. The rest will take no notice. I hope that I have a consciousness of some kind. As tired as I am sometimes, an awareness greater than the span of what my body is capable would be preferred.

Do you believe in heaven?
I believe in enlightenment but I don't think that is the same. As far as the religious concepts of heaven, not a chance. I do not believe that God is up there floating on clouds riding a throne of gold. I do not believe that a team of naked virgins await to please my cock if I die just so. I do not believe that there is a magical mystical place where angelic choirs sing the praise of the One Creator constantly. If there is such a place and I am horribly wrong AND after saying all this I'd still be welcome there, I'm willing to bet I'd be bored to tears and in all probability, fling myself off of my 9th level cloud and swan dive into the sea miles below. Then again, heaven may be each to their own... I think my heaven would consist of being allowed a few years to haunt the living and then rest forever. This life can be so exhausting.

Do you believe in hell?
On Earth, yes. Beyond that, it is a construct only made real by human ways of interpreting the ever changing meanings of good, bad and behaviors that are attributed to either.

Do you think you will be judged after you die?
Only if we judge ourselves. Hrm... Similar to what goes on in Shiji's head at the End of Evangelion :)

How many people will attend your funeral?
87. Duh...

Would you rather that people cry or laugh at your funeral?
What they remember of me will determine this. I prefer laughter as it is my favorite thing to do for people.

What's better: A shot in the head or downing pills?
OOOoo! Morphine pills, if you please :D

What should be written on your tombstone?
Nick D.
True Lover & Best Friend
Silly & Childlike
Decent Singer
Spectacular Fuck

Would you rather die childless or divorced?
What the hell kind of question is this? Suddenly those who have children never get divorced? *sigh* Fine. I am divorced already. Are you happy now? Also? Likely that I'll die childless. I like children and I do get the instinctive message to procreate but for various reasons, I don't think its in the cards. So, perhaps both.

Do you want to die in the morning, afternoon, or night?
I'm afraid I cannot begin to pick one. It really won't matter.

If you had a million dollars to leave, who would you leave it to?
25% to my sister, 50% to MD, and the rest to her children.

What kind of flowers do you want at your funeral?
don't care. As long as they are potted and won't wither to their doom along with my corpse. I hate that about funerals.

On your deathbed, which moment will you most remember?
I hope to remember as many beautiful moments as possible. There will never be just one that I can choose.

Have you ever watched someone die?
Many people. Many times. It was very traumatic at first. Strange how quickly it became part of my work day that was accepted. I was the guy who responded to cardiac and respiratory arrests with IV pumps at the ready. All I was to do is stand by and watch until the doctors or nurses needed me.

What's the most gruesome death you can imagine?
Torture for sure. Or burning to death.

How often do you think about death?
Every time my sister calls with any kind of urgency in her voice. It triggers a mental preparation that my father has died from a heart attack. Also, it triggers pondering my mortality.

Is fear of dying your number one fear?
No. My number one fear is not living my life as a good, full loving individual free from the horrible things that we all have the capacity to become. Abusive, hateful, vengeful, greedy, vain and narcissistic.

Do you believe in reincarnation?
Not sure... It would be nice I guess. I haven't really thought about it as an important part of my beliefs.

Have you ever wished someone you loved were dead?
I've wondered at great length how my life would change if they did, but never have I wished it upon someone I love. My ex was in this category and after flashbacking so many times, I believe these thoughts occurred to me because I didn't know how to otherwise handle her subversive or rather subconscious projection of intolerance, disappointment and unhappiness. Nor did I grok how to deal with my own similar projections onto her.

Do you consider life short or long?
When I'm tired of trying to keep up with how busy life gets, long. Otherwise happy, too short.

Do you think you have a soul?
Definitely. If I didn't, the terrible things I see people do to each other and this planet wouldn't hurt so badly.

Assisted suicide for a terminally ill person is:
A humane and ethical choice that belongs to the ill or closest coherent kin.

If you were cremated, where would you like your ashes?
I want my ashes to be mixed with rich soil and used to plant a tree. Preferably on the property I own at time of death.

Would you choose to be immortal if you could be?
Fuck yes. On the condition that my apparent age would be no greater than 29.

What do you think of Ouija boards?
Boring and hokey.

godfuckingdammit

I just got off the phone with a headhunter interested in my resume for a 35K design job on the outskirts of Markham. Upon learning that I don't own a car, she immediately lost interest and ended the conversation.

*sighs and gives finger to no one*

Congratulations on your non-willingness to destroy our breathing air. Let us reward this progressive action with a non-willingness to acknowledge other transportation options. G'bye.

One of the many reasons I love you:

voicemail from Mightydoll on an otherwise difficult morning in the fight against anxiety and depression:

"Good news to brighten up your day! Jerry Falwell died last night! Love ya." *click*





How could I not love this woman?

Critique with Brutal Honesty

Headphones recommended. Thank you very much for your time.

A Capella cover of Parabol - Tool

Love,

HH

Rejection

to me 9:50 pm (11 hours ago)

"Sorry it took so long to get back to you. I wanted to give the whole band a
chance to listen to what you had done. Me and the band went over what you
sent and we arent sure you are what we are looking for. I do hope for the
best for you and your music though! don't get discouraged. you'll find the
right musicians!

Peace buddy and thanks for the interest. It really means a lot"

-The Isosceles Project




*sigh*




Fuck...

Bored...

That's right.


It causes the very worst in behavior at the workplace. Runs rampant you see. What's a boy to do? Well, I'll tell you. This story starts as most good stories do. With a disclaimer... :)


DISCLAIMER!:

1. If you employ me, have employed me or are planning to employ me, everything you read here is absolutely and most strictly for the purposes of reader entertainment and are entirely fictional in nature.

1.1 The anecdotes and ridiculous rants recounted here in no way represent my work ethic nor do they necessarily represent my levels of discipline, general attitude toward work or even me as a person.

1.2 If you have been reviewing my performance and have found the results to be disappointing in any way, I can assure you that there are at least half a dozen completely legitimate reasons and justifications for my actions and level of output.

1.3 This post was in no way, written during regular work hours.

2. Every job I have ever worked for so far falls into the category of "transitional position." As such, I fully realize that I accepted these positions for employment. I ultimately have no one to blame for my boredom other than my immediate need for financial resources with which to support my life and the lives of those I love. Certainly NOT myself.




So, some say that boredom sets into the boring mind. To some extent I agree. I'd like to add to that by saying boredom sets also into the forgetful mind. I simply forget what I want with my life when I leave the workplace (unless its a practice night). Worky is far more detestable during rather than when I leave. All I can think about is something else. I busy myself with the tasks presented to me and I push through them. Just like when I start at the top of the driveway and shovel my way down, by the time I'm at the end of the drive, my shovel is so heavy and full that I can''t push any longer. I'll then start to play with icicles or begin building a snow fort or ponder the mystery of yellow snow. Distracted once again. Damn... Where was I?

No, this runs even deeper than simple A.D.D. Honestly? I'm too smart for this shit. Give "employee A" "job b" and ensure that it is such that he cannot improve efficiency by altering process. This, to me, adds up to micromanaged horse shit. Like in school, "Just copy from the text what we want and you get a good grade."

Why should I care? Just because I'm paid? Hrmm... most of the time, yes, but this can definitely overpower the incentive of regular income. Calculating cost averages. Creating return documents. Purchase orders. Emailing problems to others. Emailing solutions to others. Following up with reminder emails for both cases because they didn't bother the first, second, third or even fourth time you reminded them. Always having to follow the beurocratic chain of command decreed important and effective by all governing bodies of the corporate realm (kind of like the Military or the Catholic Church, No?). Freethinking is considered a waste of company time and money.

ITS FUCKING BORING, OKAY!?

And now the questions:

Does it pay? Unfortunately, yes.
What matters more? Getting the job done? or following process even to an end of pissing off clientele?
Why is it my responsibility to spend hours a day sending follow up emails reminding others to fix their own fucking screw ups?
Does retail offer progress to solving pollution?
Poverty?
How about consumption of energy?
Resources?


It is endless and it is nonsense. What I end up doing is some pretty retarded shit let me tell you. Things like designing and constructing dangerous office weapons. Ever hear of the "Oracle"? This one is stellar. Step 1. Take a roll of 2 inch packing tape and wrap a thick rubber band around so that the band stretches the diameter of the roll on both sides. Voilà! Step 2. Now draw a pencil or any long cylindrical object on the band closest to you as the front rests on the forward band just like a bow and arrow. Step 3. Carefully aim at any irritating co-worker and release with the fury of suppressed anger and boredom.

At times I have been known to shrink wrap my IT manager's entire set of office/desk tools i.e. phone (and receiver), keyboard, pencil can (individual pencils as well), even the USB powered mini refrigerator. Oh yeah, also all three cans of pop included in the fridge.

Answering interdepartmental telephone calls is amusing too.
*Ring ring* "Bin Laden's Bomb shop, How can I terrorize you?"
*Ring ring* "Your Mom's fantasy"
*Ring ring* "NO! GO AWAY!"

This list could really go on and on and on...

Similar is the signing of deliveries. Most couriers now have a computerized clipboard device where one signs their life away on an LCD screen. It started with names but the more I signed, the more I realized that they all know who I am and don't give a shit what the signature looks like. Eventually this lead to intentional scribbles that barely look like someone signed. Then those morphed into nothing but a wavy line. Wavy lines eventually gave way to more abstract name signatures like a series of periods or stars. The FedEx driver drew the line when I tried to quickly draw a landscape using a cross-hatching method. "its not that I give a shit, dude. Its just that I have way too many deliveries to afford standing here waiting for you to sign. Why do you do this anyway?" He questioned.
"I don't feel the need to explain my art to you, Stevie." I replied.

Mmm! How about the one where all post-it's in the manager's office are turned upside down? I liked that one.

*sigh*

So, last week I came up with a new one. This was intended to get me into false trouble. Open Text Edit on your Mac, type boss' name, copy and paste ten times, then copy and paste that entire block about twenty more times. The whole process takes about 30 seconds. Now turn up the volume and hit "Start Speaking" in the Edit menu and start working with something else away from your desk. If you're lucky, he'll storm down thinking you're just sitting there hitting a button over and over and the frustration ensues when he reaches your area to find you diligently working whilst pleasantly tolerating the constant computerized repetition of his name. *storms back upstairs* The name speaking went on for about twenty minutes.

I have been sick for three weeks. I have called in a least one of those weeks. I ran out of available sick days in February. They have been docking my check to compensate. Friends suggest it may be stress from work. Others think I don't know how to take care of myself. Needless to say, it is time to leave. The job search has begun and as painful as it is to job search, I think it more painful to try to stay here and continue to attempt reasonable communication with the manager and still even more painful to try to continue pretending that this job is good for me, important to me or stimulates me enough to appreciate it in any way.

*gives finger*

HH