Stinky Drips

So the first time that Sass comes over to my new place I of course go to show her the balcony. She steps out & says, "Wow!" "Yeah nice view, eh?" I replied. "No. I mean, yeah, but wow is about the overpowering stench of urine." She was right. I had smelled it before. So what the fuck? Its not the pigeons. This is that part where I start realizing that this has come full circle. With my last apartment it was the urine soaked carpeting. Now its my balcony. I just can't win.

Wait. Yeah, I did.

I found urine soaked paper towels crammed into the crack on the ceiling of my balcony which leads to the balcony above. Those motherfuckers have been letting their dog pee on the balcony so they don't have to walk down 31 flights of steps. *Boil, Boil, Boil, Boil, Boil, Boil, Boil, Boil, Boil, Boil, Boil, Boil* So Sass is all, "Soak you balcony with bleach first before you accuse just to be sure." "K"

The very next night, I was sitting quietly by my window in my living room. As I sat I started to hear an intermittent drip. The drip increased a couple times and then slowed again. *BITCH* I took a deep breath. I threw clothes on and took 2 more deep breaths. By the time I was upstairs I wasn't any more calm but I approached their door all the same. I was nervous, shaking and most of all, extremely pissed off. Take the pun if you want it. I was nervous because I wasn't sure if the upstairs neighbours were some group of assholes raising fighting dogs or some shit. You just never know when you approach a neighbour with a problem before you actually meet them.

Oh how delighted I was to get to their door and find and ad for whatever Catholic group they were a part of taped to it. My nervousness immediately left and pure rage returned. It was a sublime thing to feel a very fast and confident tongue lashing coming on. This was either going to be really fun or really productive, I wasn't sure which. A man answers and I promptly begin, "Hi. I'm your new neighbour downstairs-how are you tonight? *no pause given* That's great. Listen. I have a very serious problem involving you and your dog."
"Oh! My Dog? Wha-"
"Glad you asked" I motored. "I was just enjoying a cup of coffee on my balcony and fucking dog piss started draining down from your balcony just about 5 minutes ago. Now. You look confused because you either didn't think it would drain down in accordance with the laws of gravity OR you actually have the gall to play dumb. I'm betting on the first of those two because you have gone to the half-assed lengths of trying to stop this by shoving paper towel in the crack at the end of your balcony thinking that it will suffice. I'm here to tell you loudly it will not. It is ENTIRELY unacceptable! It is careless. It is rude. It is VERY unsanitary and worst of all, it is causing a miserable stench on a piece of my home."
His wife appears behind him and meekly says, "No trouble please!"
"Ma'am I can assure you there will be no trouble and just in case you are wondering how you can help facilitate this goal for a 'no trouble' policy between us, here is the only solution to which I will relent. I do understand that it is far easier to have the dog go on the balcony. So follow these directions closely.
FIRST. Go to Canadian Tire and purchase a box of large sized garbage bags and a case of puppy training pads. Do you know what I am talking about?"
They nod.
"You are s u r e?"
They nod again.
"Good.
SECOND. bring your new products to the balcony with packing tape and a pair of scissors. Take the scissors and cut along two of the garbage bag seams to create a large plastic panel. Do you know what I mean?"
They keep nodding.
"Good.
THIRD. Tape 2 or 3 panels of plastic to the metal back of your balcony rail. Weigh down the other sides with plants or whatever you have.
FOURTH. Place puppy training pads on plastic when you take the dog out. When the dog is finished, PICK UP THE PAD AND THROW IT AWAY EVERY SINGLE TIME. Do you know what I am talking about?"
Nod.
"Good. This is the only way you can successfully solve this problem and as an added bonus, following these directions closely will result in seeing far less of me and far less rage within me. Understood?"
They apologize profusely and acknowledge understanding.
"Good night"
*Hubris walks away grinning*

The smell and paper towels were gone within 8 hours.